SPACE GHOST: Greetings, citizen.
CONAN: Thank you, Space Ghost, it's nice to be here.
SPACE GHOST: Identify yourself to the universe.
CONAN: My name is Conan O'Brien, I am 6'4", and I'm 200 pounds. I displace 180 kiloliters of liquid.
SPACE GHOST: That's metric.
CONAN: Yes, I thought you used metric in deep space.
SPACE GHOST: No, we really don't measure too much. We don't need measurements.
CONAN: My apologies, Space Ghost.
SPACE GHOST: How's the weather up there? [LONG FAKE LAUGHTER]
CONAN: Is that because I'm tall?
[LONG PAUSE]
CONAN: Sorry.
SPACE GHOST: Peel back your upper lip.
[CONAN OBLIGES]
SPACE GHOST: Higher. I need to see the glimmer of your titanium alloy skull.
CONAN: Can you see my skull yet?
SPACE GHOST: Are you a cyborg warrior from the future sent here to kill me?
CONAN: No, I'm actually robot from the past. A crudely made robot from the Civil War. I've been sent 130 years into the future, to have sex with you.
SPACE GHOST: Well, right on!
CONAN: Let's get it on, my friend.
SPACE GHOST: Stop tape. Okay. [LAUGH] I don't know where to go with that, Conan. Tell me a little bit about yourself.
CONAN: I was born in 1963 in Boston, Massachusetts. I can withstand up to 2000 degrees centigrade of heat. Um, I'm not exactly sensual, but I have a pleasant odor. A potpourri smell. Can you smell it?
SPACE GHOST: [SNIFF] It's wafting in my direction, yes.
CONAN: It was for you, Space Ghost.
SPACE GHOST: Thank you. Now, how many degrees centigrade was that?
CONAN: I can withstand 2000 degrees. Anything above that and I slowly melt and start screaming, like the guy in that first Indiana Jones movie.
SPACE GHOST: Right.
CONAN: Do you remember that?
SPACE GHOST: I do.
CONAN: Yeah. The Nazi, he melted.
SPACE GHOST: My heat ray can, uh, reduce you to a pile of powder.
CONAN: Is that a dry powder?
SPACE GHOST: Well, it's sort of a gooey... gooey mix.
CONAN: Do you wanna do that later or should we reduce me to powder now?
SPACE GHOST: I'd think it would probably screw up the rest of the show, we'd have to go directly to the second, uh, our second guest.
CONAN: I did one season of my show just as powder. It didn't work very wall.
SPACE GHOST: Mhm. Hence the bad reviews early on.
CONAN: I don't know what you're talking about, Space Ghost. My show was always beloved. I've never been criticized, I've always been loved.
SPACE GHOST: My director Moltar is an evil pyromaniac. He wants to know if things are funnier when they're engulfed in flames.
CONAN: Usually it's true when something's on fire it's much funnier, so on that account, Moltar, you're very right. If a puppet's on fire, it's much funnier than a puppet that isn't on fire. The only thing that's not funny when it's on fire is diced fruit, we don't know why. Diced fruit on its own is kinda funny, but when you light diced fruit on fire, it doesn't get any funnier.
SPACE GHOST: How do you light it? It's full of liquid.
CONAN: Interesting, there's a way. Let me explain. What you first do is let the fruit dry, that takes about 6 days. Then you cover it with kerosene, which is highly flammable, and set it on fire. It'll burn for about an hour but then go out. Here's the tricky part: at that point, you have to cover it with sand, let it dry for at least a year, then engulf it in a different liquid which is highly flammable, a hydrogen sulfate, and then light it on fire again.
SPACE GHOST: There's no oxygen in space, Conan.
CONAN: Then let's forget it.
SPACE GHOST: Let's forget that whole, uh... that whole thing. At what point did you decide, "I should bathe for this?"
CONAN: Well I've done a lot of shows, and I haven't bathed before. Leno, Letterman, Hee Haw. I never bathed, and it didn't seem to make a difference. But I've heard that in space, your odor actually lingers for thousands of years actually, you know, after you've left. So I decided I should, uh, I should bathe this time.
SPACE GHOST: Your odor is currently traveling through a wormhole through time and space.
CONAN: Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
SPACE GHOST: I don't know. You didn't bathe, did you?
CONAN: No.
SPACE GHOST: Probably bad.
CONAN: I haven't bathed, but Space Ghost, I've shaved my entire body to make myself smooth.
SPACE GHOST: Like a Barbie!
CONAN: Yes, like a Barbie doll. I prefer it that way; my clothes don't chafe me when I walk, and I appear very pretty.
SPACE GHOST: Join the club. Have you wanted to grow your hair long, like a little girl?
CONAN: I've thought about growing my hair long, and tying it with a ribbon. Uh, you ever- why- [STUTTERING] Let's try that one again. Let's go- Can we go one more time?
SPACE GHOST: Sure.
CONAN: Okay.
[LONG PAUSE]
CONAN: Can you ask me that-
SPACE GHOST: Have you ever tried to grow your hair long, like a little girl?
CONAN: Yes, I have thought about growing my hair long. When I was young, when I was about 14, my hair was very red. I grew it long and tied it with a bow on either side, and I used to walk from house to house and say, "Hello! I'm Pippy Longstocking!" People thought it was funny until I was beaten.
SPACE GHOST: Who- who beat you, Conan?
CONAN: It was my father and my mother, which is an odd combination. Usually my father would beat me and mother would say, "No, stop, he's just a boy," or my mother would beat me and my father would say, "No, stop, he's just a boy." On that occasion, both my parents beat me. And I didn't hate it! It was kinda cool.
SPACE GHOST: So how's the weather up there? [FAKE LAUGHTER]
CONAN: You know why that's funny, Space Ghost? 'Cause I'm tall. But I'm not so tall that the weather would be different at 6'4" than it would be at, say, 5'10". I think that's why that's funny.
SPACE GHOST: What do you mean?
CONAN: I'm sorry, have I angered anybody? Maybe I should go.
[SPACE GHOST BEGINS TO LEAVE]
CONAN: Please, Space Ghost, stay! Just a little longer, sit. I want to make you happy, I like this show. I'd like for this to go well.
SPACE GHOST: Have you paid your dues, Conan?
CONAN: (sigh) I think I've paid my dues to society. I never really touched that little boy, and I think 7 years is a long time to be in prison. I'm sorry for what I did. Come on! Let's just forget it!
SPACE GHOST: Now, how can I assist you in your blossoming career?
CONAN: Well, I've accomplished a lot. My TV show is seen by over 14 people every night. I'm now making $600 a year. These are far surpassing the dreams I had when I was a little kid. But I'd really like to be, if it's okay, is a male model. I think I'd be a great male model. Let me explain why: my legs are very long, my torso is kind of muscular, and I think I have kind of a nice smile. So if I could get catalog work, you know, Sears, JCPenney, I think I'd be a happy guy.
SPACE GHOST: You're smooth and freckled. There's got to be a market for that.
CONAN: I think there would be. I mean, I think my freckles are kind of endearing, although some of them aren't freckles. They're sores. We don't know what causes them, we really don't. We think the not bathing has something to do with it, we're not sure.
SPACE GHOST: I have vanquished you in the talk shows war- wars. Admit defeat.
CONAN: You know, when you first came on the air, I thought... "This guy hasn't got a chance," and no offense... but you know what I mean? You're from space, you're a cartoon, and your 60's show didn't really go anywhere. Then about-
SPACE GHOST: What are you talking about?
CONAN: Well, your 60's show wasn't that great.
SPACE GHOST: We lit it up! What are you talking about?
CONAN: It wasn't very good. I- It just wasn't! You were raw. You were unmolded clay. So I got kinda cocky, and, uh, I took it easy. Then, some time went by, and my producer started to tell me that you were kicking our ass in the ratings. And, uh, there was a period of denial, and now I've entered the period of acceptance. You're better than me, Space Ghost.
SPACE GHOST: You're right, I'm better.
CONAN: Well... don't be a... creep about it. I mean, be a little humble. I just said you're better than me.
SPACE GHOST: I said you're right, I'm better. I want you to say it.
CONAN: Okay, Space Ghost. The unitard and the cape was genius. You know, I thought about doing that when I was just starting, way back in 1993 there was a moment, just a moment, when I thought, "Unitard. Cape. Mask. Alien sidekick." I swear to God, I really did think about it! And then I thought, "I don't know, it's a little too edgy." You're good, Space Ghost. A little... too good.
SPACE GHOST: Demonstrate how you would fend off an attack by the evil Prance-a-Tron.
CONAN: I think what I'd do at first... is I'd hold out my arms like this. Cause the Prance-a-Tron likes to get in close, bite your throat, and eat your innards, leaving your skin intact. So I'd keep my hands up in front of me so the Prance-a-
SPACE GHOST: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You're thinking about Valguard the Soul Reamer.
CONAN: Oh, I'm sorry. Did you say "Prance-a-Tron?"
SPACE GHOST: I said the EVIL Prance-a-Tron.
CONAN: EVIL Prance-a-Tron.
SPACE GHOST: Yes. Don't- that's, that's not to be confused with the good Prance-a-Tron.
CONAN: There's the good Prance-a-Tron, and then there's kind of the morally ambiguous Prance-a-Tron. I got confused.
SPACE GHOST: That's a totally different dimension.
CONAN: We don't want to talk about that. My apologises. So what are you talking about? The evil-
SPACE GHOST: The evil Prance-a-Tron dances rapidly.
CONAN: Evil Prance-a-Tron?
SPACE GHOST: Yes.
CONAN: Mostly, wear rain gear, you know? Anything made of rubber, bright yellow.
SPACE GHOST: But you have to protect your eyes against the Dance of Wonder.
CONAN: Yeah, but you know, people overstate that. Do you know what I mean? Do you really need your eyes? Think about it. I've got a lot of people that work for me, they can describe things. I can wear sunglasses all the time like Jack Nicholson. Don't get worried about the Dance of Wonder. You're overthinking it, Space Ghost.
SPACE GHOST: How would your life be different if you were born with a ring of eyes around your head?
CONAN: All the way around?
SPACE GHOST: Absolutely.
CONAN: Well-
SPACE GHOST: Like a sweatband.
CONAN: I have a brother who has that problem, so I can tell you exactly.
SPACE GHOST: Get out!
CONAN: It's true! Eyes going all the way around. He had a lot of mercury when he was a kid, um, and that'll go over well with your child eyes! [CHUCKLING] Ring of eyes all the way around the hou- head? Boy, I don't know. I think it'd be okay for a while. But then I'd see people laughing at me as I walk by.
SPACE GHOST: You could cover most of them with hair.
CONAN: Most, but that's not all, Space Ghost.
SPACE GHOST: Yes, there would probably be a few peeking out of your temples.
CONAN: Yeah, and then I'd see-
SPACE GHOST: And the bridge of your nose.
CONAN: I think people laugh at me as I pass them. People are usually nice to me as I'm approaching, "Hey Conan, good show!" But then as I pass, they roll their eyes and go, "Yeah, real good!" [LAUGHING] And I don't wanna see that! I like pretending that they really like me.
SPACE GHOST: You could watch them as they- as you pass, through the eyes on the back of your head.
CONAN: Yes, yes I could, Space Ghost. Space Ghost, you're fumbling, something's wrong.
SPACE GHOST: Conan!
CONAN: Yes? [SMILING] Can I help you? You seem baffled, Space Ghost, what's wrong? You've been drinking before the show again, haven't you?
SPACE GHOST: Look where my hand was, Conan.
CONAN: Yes, I am.
SPACE GHOST: Look at it.
CONAN: I'm looking at your hand.
SPACE GHOST: Ooh.
CONAN: That's what George Michaels said. [LAUGHING] Get it? 'Cause he had that problem? You know, I tell you... comedy comes easily to me... it's fascinating, ah- what? Are you still here? I'm sorry, I thought the show was over. Has it ended? I-
SPACE GHOST: What, do you need to get out of here?
CONAN: No, I've got nowhere to go.
SPACE GHOST: 'Cause I've got a whole list of, like, barba- Conan the Barbarian jokes that I wanted to go through.
CONAN: Conan the Barbarian?
SPACE GHOST: Should I, uh, wait, should I do them all now, or should I pepper throughout the rest of the very long interview?
CONAN: I would say pepper them throughout. That keeps me off balance. Every time I think, "That's gotta be the last one," and then when one more comes, it completely knocks me for a loop!
SPACE GHOST: Interview me, and I'll tell you what you're doing wrong.
CONAN: Okay. Space Ghost, everyone knows you're sexy, but let's get to the real you. In the movie "Go-"
SPACE GHOST: Wait, stop.
CONAN: Huh?
SPACE GHOST: Where's your weapon?
CONAN: I don't... have a weapon.
SPACE GHOST: Well... there's problem number one.
CONAN: So always have a weapon?
SPACE GHOST: When you're interviewing celebrities, yes.
CONAN: Can it be a conventional Earth weapon or should it be sort of a fanciful space weapon?
SPACE GHOST: Preferably a violent ray.
CONAN: Okay, a ray of some kind.
SPACE GHOST: A violent one, yes.
CONAN: Okay. Uh, so, a ray. And what should it do? Should it immobilize people? I'm confused, 'cause there's so many rays. There's a ray that disintegrates people, there's a ray that makes people float, there's a ray that increases people's density.
SPACE GHOST: There's a ray that spanks people.
CONAN: There's a ray that spanks people- man, that ray. I was skeptical when it first came out, I love that ray.
SPACE GHOST: Who would you spank with the spank ray?
CONAN: If I had to spank anyone with the spank ray...
SPACE GHOST: Who's bottom?
CONAN: Who's bottom? Fabio. Let me explain why. Fabio's bottom has, as Earth people go, is not only firm, but has a three-dimensional quality that exceeds every other Earth ass. Oh- bottom. It is the Cartoon Network, isn't it?
SPACE GHOST: Yes.
CONAN: Can you bleep me here?
SPACE GHOST: We'll have to.
CONAN: Oh, good.
SPACE GHOST: Go on about Fabio's bottom.
CONAN: I think I'd spank Fabio's bottom. Fabio's been a bad boy and needs a spanking in my opinion.
SPACE GHOST: My band leader is an evil praying mantis named Zorak. He would like to caress your brow.
CONAN: Crash my brow? I'm sorry, I'm not-
SPACE GHOST: Caress.
CONAN: Oh, caress my brow.
SPACE GHOST: With a rake.
CONAN: Well, go ahead, let's get it on. I haven't had my brow raked in quite a while.
SPACE GHOST: He, uh... he says touche. I don't know what that means.
CONAN: Is it Moltar?
SPACE GHOST, OFFSCREEN VOICE: Zorak.
CONAN: Ooh! Sorry!
SPACE GHOST: You've offended him. [LAUGHING] You've offended him.
CONAN: [POINTING TO SCREEN] You're Moltar... [POINTING OFF-SCREEN] and you're Zorak. Okay. [POINTING TO SPACE GHOST] Ah- Space Ghost, right? Cool.
SPACE GHOST: That's right, Conan. What's the coolest thing that you've ever- that's ever fallen out of the sky and landed in your yard?
CONAN: When I was a boy, I was walking through a country field, minding my own business. I was walking along, and I heard something whistling through the air, falling. And I looked up, and believe it or not, 1960s singing icon Eartha Kitt fell right out of the sky and landed in my arms. And I said, "Eartha Kitt? What are you doing here?" And she said, "Put me down, you white fool, or I'll scratch your eyes out." I couldn't believe it! Most amazing thing that's ever happened to me.
SPACE GHOST: Wow! Anything else fallen out of the sky and land in your yard?
CONAN: A couple of years ago, I was walking down the street. Not a field, but a street this time. I was walking along, minding my own business. And as I was walking, I heard something whistling out of the sky. I held out my arms, you know, instinctively, 'cause you think "maybe I'll catch something," and right in my arms... TV pitchman George Kennedy landed right there. I said, "George Kennedy?" He said, "Have you tried BreathAssure?" I said, "Tried it? I buy it every day!" We became lovers soon after that.
SPACE GHOST: What happened to your finger there, Conan?
CONAN: I, uh, caught my finger in a garage door, and, uh, I, uh, injured it.
SPACE GHOST: That's not a very good story.
CONAN: Well, let's try a different story then. I was walking down the street one day-
SPACE GHOST: Tell that George Kennedy one.
CONAN: I was walking down the street one day, and, uh, I was holding my finger high in the air. When all of the sudden I heard a whistling sound, out of nowhere! Just the air, just screaming like something's falling out of the sky. I held up my finger intuitively, guess what landed on it. Any idea? Game show legend Jean Rayburn landed right on my finger. From Talk Show? From Match Game, I'm sorry. I had a drink before the show.
SPACE GHOST: So that's how the finger thing happened.
CONAN: Yeah, that's how the finger thing happened, yeah.
SPACE GHOST: Okay.
CONAN: There's another story I can tell. Sometimes before the show, I get nervous and worried that it's not gonna go well, and I chew my fingers, and uh, and this one time I was really nervous because we were gonna have Jo Ann Worley on the show. And she has got nothing to say, and I'm chewing my fingers, and I bit this one really hard. That's the story. How am I doing so far, Space Ghost?
SPACE GHOST: We've had Jo Ann Worley.
CONAN: Has she done this show?
SPACE GHOST: Twice.
CONAN: Ouch...
SPACE GHOST: Twice in a weekend.
CONAN: Okay...
SPACE GHOST: Saturday and Sunday.
CONAN: And now I'm here... what does that mean? Eh- ooh... Anyway.
SPACE GHOST: What do you like the most about the movie Phantasm?
CONAN: I think the greatest thing about the movie Phantasm is that it's not spelled with an "f," it's a "ph." That's genius! Who thought of that?
SPACE GHOST: Well, what about the Silver Ball of Death that drills into your skull?
CONAN: Yeah, that silver ball- I would say the coolest thing about the movie Phantasm is that silver ball, you throw it and it travels through corridors really quickly-
SPACE GHOST: No, it's- it's driven by Satan.
CONAN: Yeah, sure. Satan. Uh... the best thing about the silver ball is that it goes right into your head, and as it hits your head, people's eyes cross, and then they slowly fall over. And I- there are many times when I'm doing the show and I wish I had a Silver Ball of Death. 'Cause when, you know, you have someone on from Baywatch? You know, "blah blah blah, David Hassellhoff, such a blah blah blah." You wish that you could say, "Terrific story," and then whip out the Silver Ball of Death and hit them right in the middle of the forehead. What a great end to a segment. They get this drill right through their head, their eyes crossed, blood and gore shoot out of their brain, you turn to the camera and say, "They're dead! We'll be right back."
SPACE GHOST: Zorak can do two of them. Two Silver Balls of Death.
CONAN: Cool.
SPACE GHOST: He lobs them underhanded like softball.
CONAN: Really?
SPACE GHOST: Yeah.
CONAN: Nice to know.
SPACE GHOST: I mean, they don't drill all the blood out of your head, they just sort of, you know, stab you.
CONAN: Yeah. Oh, I know.
SPACE GHOST: It's a flesh wound. Nothing- nothing to worry about. Um, I've captured my arch enemies and put them to work on my show. What have you done to rehabilitate Andy?
CONAN: Well, Andy can read now, which is important. When I found Andy, uh, he was a feral boy living in the woods. He had been raised by wolves, but the wolves got irritated with him and so they left him, which had never happened before! And, uh, I've also taught Andy a lot of things. I have taught Andy so many things, when you really think about. Andy dresses himself now, Andy can fight tai chi, did you know that?
SPACE GHOST: I didn't know that.
CONAN: Andy's a Tae Bo expert, I taught the secret art of Tae Bo, which is- you know what Tae Bo is?
SPACE GHOST: No.
CONAN: Tae Bo is, uh, it's an interesting infomercial that's on the air right now. It, uh, it teaches people self defense and exercise at the same time. Carmen Electra does Tae Bo, Sinbad the comedian promotes Tae Bo. Uh, I've taught Andy to make his own clothes, I've taught Andy to hunt for gnomes in the woods.
SPACE GHOST: Make his own clothes? Wait, go back.
CONAN: Yeah, yeah. Andy-
SPACE GHOST: You know how to do that?
CONAN: Yeah, oh yeah, I can make my own clothes. We make- all the clothes that we wear on the show we make ourselves. We do not have a big budget, so my morning begins at about 6:00 AM. I come in, Andy comes in, we have a giant bolt of cloth, and we start making our own clothes. We make suits, we make ties, sometimes we upholster the furniture on the set.
SPACE GHOST: Capes?
CONAN: We've never made a cape, Space Man.
SPACE GHOST: [COUGH] Space Ghost.
CONAN: Space Man.
SPACE GHOST: Space Ghost.
CONAN: You were a Space Man who died and became a Space Ghost.
SPACE GHOST: I've always been dead, Conan.
CONAN: No one can always be dead, Space Ghost.
SPACE GHOST: Sure! I'm dead right now!
CONAN: Let's look at it this way: Casper was a boy who died and became Casper the Friendly Ghost. No one wants to admit that he was a boy who died, but he's a boy that died. Space Ghost is obviously a Space Man who died and became a Space Ghost. Now I know you don't want the kids to know that you died! [MOCK SOBBING] But you died, baby! You gotta get down with that!
SPACE GHOST: No. I didn't die.
CONAN: Yes, you did. You choked on a muffin, Space Gh- What, you were a Space Man who ate an overly large muffin and choked to death and became Space Ghost. Now that is not a cool origin-
SPACE GHOST: Shut up! These are lies!
CONAN: It's true! Everyone should know this! Space Ghost was a Space Man who had an embarrassing death. He choked on a muffin! A bran muffin!
SPACE GHOST: I'm leaving!
CONAN: FACE IT, SPACE GHOST! YOU'RE A SPACE MAN THAT CHOKED ON A MUFFIN!
[SPACE GHOST EXITS]
CONAN: He'll be back. He just has time to heal, that's all. Therapy is what that guy needs. No one's always a ghost. It's pathetic.
[SPACE GHOST RETURNS]
SPACE GHOST: Excuse me.
CONAN: Are you ready to come back now, Space Ghost?
SPACE GHOST: I had to use the restroom.
CONAN: It was a banana walnut muffin, wasn't it? Come on.
SPACE GHOST: Are you ready for m- some more barbarian jokes?
CONAN: Alright, let's have some.
SPACE GHOST: Wait, I lost my list.
CONAN: You're pathetic. You know, I've been interviewed by all of them. Regis, Kathie Lee, Regis and Kathie Lee. But you, Space Ghost... you're so unprepared! Maybe if you spent less time polishing your titanium inter-spacecraft, or adjusting the setting on your ray, or tying your cape, or adjusting your cowl, or eliminating protoplasm from the studio audience, if you spend a little more time preparing for the interview, maybe the interviews would go a little better.
SPACE GHOST: Hey, how's the weather up there?
CONAN: Because I'm tall? You get me every time! How do you do that? Weather up there... ARGH, I'LL GET YOU, SPACE GHOST!
SPACE GHOST: Have you ever actually seen my show, Conan?
CONAN: Once, I was in an airport, and my flight was delayed, and a guy next to me was asleep, but his little TV was on and your show as playing. And I saw about six seconds before I turned away in horror. So yes, I've seen the show.
SPACE GHOST: So you know Moltar, then.
CONAN: Hey, Moltar!
SPACE GHOST: He says that you look pinker than he had imagined.
CONAN: Well, I, uh, apply a lot of makeup before I do any television. I'm the whitest guy on TV. I am whiter than you, Space Ghost. I am whiter than Space Ghost and that is really saying something when you think about it.
SPACE GHOST: I'm pretty white.
CONAN: I am extremely white. Believe it or not, I'm wearing eight coats of makeup right now to appear even this pale. Were I to take off my shirt right now, it would be a supernova that would blind you, your entire staff, and destroy the show as we humans understand it.
SPACE GHOST: Do it. We've got time.
CONAN: Take off my shirt?
SPACE GHOST: Yeah, sure.
CONAN: I would, but then you'd all see my... fourth nipple. You thought I was gonna say third nipple, didn't you? But I said fourth, and that blew your mind.
SPACE GHOST: You've been blowing us off for years, Conan. Why now?
CONAN: The price wasn't right for a long time, Space Ghost. You guys were calling me up and saying, "We'll give you $30 to appear on our show." And I was smart; a lot of guys would have said, "$30? That's not bad! I could rent nine movies with $30. I could have two, or even three meals at McDonald's, and then still have money left over to buy a really bad denim cap." But not me! I knew that if I bided my time, waited, eventually the price would go up to $42. Well...
SPACE GHOST: Here we are.
CONAN: Here we are, and I want my 42 smackers, pal.
SPACE GHOST: I don't have any money.
CONAN: Oh. Well, that's okay. Forget it.
SPACE GHOST: I find pants to be so constricting, don't you?
CONAN: Not really. Even when I wear the tightest pants, Space Ghost, I still have a lot of room down there.
SPACE GHOST: What do you say we take them off and let the comedy spill out?
CONAN: Take off our pants? Space Ghost, I've been waiting six years to hear you say that. Let's do it.
SPACE GHOST: You're not in my timeslot, are you? Are you?
CONAN: Well, how do you define time, Space Ghost? It's very complicated. I'm on at 12:30 at night, actually 12:35, and you're on at what time again?
SPACE GHOST: The year 2012.
CONAN: No, we don't really-
SPACE GHOST: 2013 now.
CONAN: We don't conflict. I think we're on at different times.
SPACE GHOST: Good. 'Cause I would have to eliminate you.
CONAN: Well, we can't have that.
SPACE GHOST: Why can't we?
CONAN: If you eliminated me, all comedy would disappear. Now, some people think that I have a swelled head, but I stand buy that statement. I think I am comedy? I need my medication. Where is it?
SPACE GHOST: Hey, what's your prison nickname?
CONAN: Chipper. I have a good attitude in prison, they call me Chipper! There's another reason, but I can't say it on this show.
SPACE GHOST: Go ahead.
CONAN: No.
[BOTH LAUGH]
SPACE GHOST: Tell me about working with other people. What's that like?
CONAN: Well, people are a little strange at first when you start talking to them. Do you know what I mean? Because they're not you. And, uh, after a while though, you started to get used to their boring anecdotes and their stories about how the movie really worked out better than they thought, their director's terrific, "Boy, I love the cast I work with." I mean, you just learn to deal with their endless babbling.
SPACE GHOST: Conan.
CONAN: Yes?
SPACE GHOST: Hello.
CONAN: Hello to you, Space Ghost.
SPACE GHOST: Do you have any parting thoughts for the universe?
CONAN: Well, I do think that maybe it would be a better universe if everybody had a talk show. Not just you, but other creatures on other planets. It'd be very liberating. Why should you be the only Space Ghost to have a talk show? Doesn't seem right.
SPACE GHOST: Other creatures do have other talk shows on other planets.
CONAN: Well, Earth doesn't count, and Donny & Marie really doesn't count, but what are you talking about?
SPACE GHOST: Have you ever seen the Terrible Alan Hour? Terrible Alan?
CONAN: Terrible Alan?
SPACE GHOST: From the planet Remar?
CONAN: I saw that on The WB, actually. They'll carry anything. [LAUGHING]
SPACE GHOST: If you had the power to make any sandwich appear just by calling out its name, what kind of sandwich would you summon right this instant?
CONAN: I would summon an onion and dark meat duckling sandwich on pumpernickel.
SPACE GHOST: It's pretty unlikely. How about summoning something else?
CONAN: I'd like to summon a sandwich made entirely of concrete. At first, people would think, "He can't eat that," but then I'd use my titanium jaws to eat it and burp.
SPACE GHOST: You are a killer from the future!
CONAN: Maybe I am, Space Ghost, but I'm here to kill you with laughter. [LAUGHING] Get it? Instead of killing you with, like, a gun or something, laughter? How am I doing? What's happening? Where's the audience going? They're leaving.
SPACE GHOST: Do you have any parting thoughts for the universe?
CONAN: I'd like to say that I think this show is very bad, and should be stopped. I think you're a bad person, and don't take this the wrong way, but I think you represent evil and your presence makes any kind of progress in the universe impossible. You are the one thing standing between mankind and something better. Do not take this the wrong way, but you are like a black hole sucking all quality and talent into yourself and turning it into negative energy. And please, do not think that I am being in any way negative or critical, but you're a bad guy. And I don't like you, or your smell, I don't like your set, and I wish someone would stop you, Space Ghost. Please, would someone stop Space Ghost? That's pretty much it. Other than that, have a great day.
SPACE GHOST: Well, thank you!
CONAN: It was nice talking to you. I really enjoyed being here. And check out my show! How'd you like my plug for the show.
SPACE GHOST: We'll tell everyone what it is.
CONAN: Well, Space Ghost, at the end of an interview, it's traditional for the talk show host to say, "Thanks for being here, Conan! This was Conan O'Brien, check out his show on NBC at 12:35." You didn't do that! You completely blew me off. For all these people know, my show is a cop show on Fox or something, thanks to you.
SPACE GHOST: Isn't it?
CONAN: Kinda. I'm a neat cop and my buddy Andy's a messy cop and we fight crime in Los Angeles.
SPACE GHOST: You're the original Odd Couple.
CONAN: Kind of. Can we share a talk show without going crazy?
SPACE GHOST: Well, thank you for being on my show. I do mean that.
CONAN: Do you really mean that?
SPACE GHOST: No.
CONAN: Because I have a sincere meter and you are way in the red.
SPACE GHOST: Mm-hmm.
CONAN: I am not showing any sincerity on that.
SPACE GHOST: [LEAVING] No, I, I mean it, man.
CONAN: Where are you going?
SPACE GHOST: Oh, I got some stuff going on, I got some errands I gotta run. It was great.
CONAN: Well, can I come along?
SPACE GHOST: No, it's alright. [EXITS]
CONAN: I'd like to come with ya! Where- where's everybody going? Can I... can I sleep here? Is that okay? I brought a pillow.
[LONG SILENCE]
[CONAN EXHALES]
[LONG SILENCE]
CONAN: [LOOKING AT CAMERA] Hey. [GROWLS AT CAMERA 4 TIMES]
[CONAN EXHALES]
SPACE GHOST: You still here?
CONAN: Yeah, hey! You wanna do something?
SPACE GHOST: No, man, I- I gotta run.
CONAN: Do you wanna grab a space beer, maybe?
SPACE GHOST: That's cool.
CONAN: I- but I'm- I got, really, I got nothing going. I'm pretty much... free schedule. [POINTING OFFSCREEN] You wanna do something?
OFFSCREEN VOICE: I gotta go too.
CONAN: Where are you- where are you going? Cause I-
OFFSCREEN VOICE: He makes me go do errands with him.
CONAN: I got...
[LONG SILENCE]
CONAN: [POINTING TO SCREEN] Hey, do you want to, uh... buy any... no?
[LONG SILENCE]
CONAN: Is that... where...?
[LONG SILENCE]
CONAN: Can we, uh... anyone wanna do anything? You guys wanna get together, or... 'cause I don't have, I have plenty of free time, [LIGHTS DIM GRADUALLY INTO DARKNESS] I have nothing- hello? Where... You guys... Does anybody, uh... I mean, I brought a bag lunch. Does anybody wanna... get together, and, uh...
INTERCOM VOICE: Get someone out on set. Clean up.
CONAN: Um... Okay, well... I'll just, uh, be here... I'll be here in the morning if anyone needs me. I, uh... I haven't really got anything planned... if anybody wants to get together.
[LIGHTS BRIGHTEN]
SPACE GHOST: That was great.
CONAN: Was that enough? That's fine.
SPACE GHOST: Yeah, it was more than enough. It was great.
CONAN: Yeah, maybe it would be funny if we just le-
[END VIDEO]